Being Right vs. Right Relationship

There are many key conflicts that exist in the world and in humanity. Often we think of spectrums where two opposites are on opposing sides of a line and are as far away from each other as possible. We assume that if we are at one end of the spectrum, we cannot possess any of the characteristics of the other end of the spectrum and what it offers. We make conflict into all or nothing. And we are in error.

Two opposing things may be in opposition, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have aspects of both to some degree. Or that your relationship with them doesn’t change. Maybe the spectrum as a straight line is the error. Conflicting ideas and values are rarely ever distant from each other. Usually they are much closer than we want to admit. Instead of a straight line, maybe the spectrum is a horseshoe, or a curve, or some kind of squiggly line where the ends are pointing towards each other.

Here’s an example. It’s the conflict of being right versus being in right relationship. Too often we assume that you can’t have both. We assume that one of those will take priority and guide the interaction/relationship between people. If we lean in on being right, then there can only be a relationship if both parties are in agreement on key issues and values. Otherwise, there is conflict. And if we lean in on right relationship, we often feel we are sacrificing truth in order to be in relationship with others, to the point that the key issues and values have no weight at all.

But what if we are looking at this in error? There is something in common between the focus on being right and the desire for right relationship. And that is cost. Both come with a cost. It’s what draws the two ends of the spectrum closer together than we like to admit.

Being right is an emphasis on data as well as the sense of control over ourselves, others, and our environment. The challenge with an emphasis on being right is that we lose sight of the humanity of ourselves and others. Everything becomes an abstract idea to be won or lost.

Right relationship is an emphasis on the relationship between two people or groups. It offers a sense of safety and belonging for ourselves, others, and our environment. The challenge with an emphasis on having right relationship is that we lose sight of things that are beyond ourselves and others – things that have the possibility of offering unity on a larger scale. Everything becomes too concrete and the concern is on how easily it can be secured or lost.

The cost of an emphasis on being right is often paid by others, and other against their will. They are required to conform and change to fit our model of rightness. The cost of an emphasis on right relationship is often paid by ourselves, often in ways we don’t prefer. It requires us to conform and change and let go parts of ourselves for the sake of relationship.

I wonder if there is a third way. There is always a third way. Maybe the terms I’m using are faulty in this. How could truth be a negative? How could right relationship be harmful? Grab hold of the concepts, and make the names fluid if that helps.

I wonder if there is a way to seek truth without abandoning humanity and humility while also seeking to be in right relationship that doesn’t require a person to practice self-abandonment for the sake of relationship. I think in many ways, this is exactly how Jesus lived his life. His ministry of healing and good news for the poor was prophetic truth that not only didn’t abandon humanity, but rather enhanced it. Likewise, his way of right relationship didn’t require self-abandonment, but rather was about a person being whole and helping others in their wholeness journey.

I want to encourage each one of us to look at the conflicts that exist in the world and within ourselves in this way – seeing beyond the facade of the conflict to something deeper. Rarely is a conflict about two opposing ways that can never meet. Often conflicts are about aspects that appear opposed, but are hiding similarities that are close together or have a different focus or audience.