Dear God…

Hey God, it’s me, Matthew. I have a few things on my mind and heart. Let’s be honest, more than a few things. I’m not sure where to begin actually. It seems like more just gets piled on the existing pile. Sometimes it feels like standing at the base of Hoover Dam and having the dam break open. I know I’m not the only one who feels this.

You know that I’m someone who can feel the emotions and the weight of others. That’s a beautiful gift and a burden at the same time. Again, no surprises there. What it means is that there’s a lot of folks out here who are anxious, afraid, angry, and more. They are exhausted by everything going on. They are distracted and worried. They can’t focus. That’s a lot. And their biggest concern is that this isn’t going to get any better any time soon. They feel trapped.

God, I don’t know what the answer is. Is there an answer? I’m not sure there is. Maybe an answer isn’t what is needed. We didn’t get to where we are in one simple step. No, we got here through a million steps over a long, long time. Maybe part of our problem is that we think we need to fix things, as if we know what fixed looks like. We’ve never experienced what “fixed” actually is. We know what duck taped fixed is though. You know, put some of that gray sticky stuff on this and that and hold it together. BTW, is it duck tape or duct tape? Well, you know what I’m talking about.

God, Where do we begin? I’m concerned for people I know and care about. People who can be ripped away and set to another country. People who speak up. People who don’t fit some kind of Neo-Puritan morality code. Those damn Puritans caused so much pain and problems and their ideas just won’t die off. I don’t even want to know if they are with you – that’s not exactly a selling point.

Anyway…My question keeps coming back to this – what do you want me to do? Maybe that’s not the right question though. Maybe you aren’t calling me to do anything, but rather to be who I’m called to be. Maybe the doing is a distraction. Maybe the doing keeps me so busy that I can’t hear you anymore. Maybe I’ve got it backwards.

So who are you calling me to be? Because that will drive what I do, that’s for sure. Maybe I need to just be quiet and listen. What am I hearing? It’s such a faint sound. Almost too quiet. There’s a clash with in. It’s the clash of anxiety meeting peace. It’s the clash of pain meeting healing. It’s the clash of certainty meeting faith. The anxiety, pain, and certainty are all very noisy. They demand attention. They want to direct me. They are constant and demanding. But they are not you.

Peace, healing, and faith aren’t you either – they are marks of where you have been and signposts of where you are going. Things that point us towards you. Things that clear our eyes and ears, soften our hearts, and loosen our grip – things that cleanse us so we can recognize you encountering us.

So who are you calling me to be? One who sees you encountering me and the world. One who hears your voice within and out there. One whose heart is open to feel your presence. One who feels your embrace. One who listens and responds. One who remains curious.

There’s a lot gong on God. That’s not news to you of course. I’d ask why you aren’t stepping in and doing something about all of this, but I suspect I wouldn’t like the answer. I imagine you are weeping a lot. Although I doubt that’s anything new. It’s not as though everything was perfect just a few months ago. How much weeping do you do God?

I’ve heard you are love. And I think this is why you don’t just come in and “fix” things. Love doesn’t demand its way. It doesn’t use force. It’s invitational. I can only imagine how many invitations you have offered. It seems like the rate of acceptance is pretty low. I can only imagine how you feel to the responses that voice the words of acceptance, but then reject you with their actions. It must feel like being stabbed in the back, or having the middle finger shown right in your face. All while the person is giving you a smile.

Help me Lord to be congruent – where my words and my actions match.

I should have started with silence Lord. To listen. To wait. I suspect the rest of the prayer would have been unnecessary. But that’s not what I did, is it?

Help me Lord to listen and to wait.

Help me Lord to be fully who you want me to be.

Help me Lord to follow, to let go of whatever in me needs to die off.

Help me Lord to share your hope.

Amen.