I am angry

I don’t enjoy this feeling. I dislike it very much. I know there are people who get addicted to anger. It gives them a warm feeling and makes them feel alive. Not me. It’s sickening and it feels like my life is being sucked away.

I’m angry about many things – mostly policies that this administration is implementing. Administration is a nice sanitized word to make those in charge sound like they are just doing what normally happens. None of this normal. None of it just.

I’m angry about the executive order criminalizing homelessness. I’m angry about the federalizing of the DC police force and the calling of the National Guard under false pretenses. I’m angry about the IRS saying certain churches can endorse candidates. I’m angry about making it easier to strip 501c3 status from non-profits. I’m angry about the targeting of immigrants. I’m angry about the death of due process. I’m angry about ICE contractors covering their faces. I’m angry about so much that is going on.

And I’m trying to figure out what to do with that anger in a productive way. I don’t know what that is.

I think my anger is related to a state of mourning. There are groups of people who have been dealing with injustice for a lot longer – generations even. There are people who mourn their whole lives. We should turn to them to learn how to do this in a way that directs it towards something meaningful. We need to mourn because so much of what was is dead and gone.

Which leads me to a question – why is humanity so screwed up? Seriously. It’s like we’re addicted to destruction and death. We act as though cruelty is a virtue. We vote for people we would never want to come to our house or be related to. We dismiss empathy as if doing so makes us virtuous. We proudly proclaim selfishness as a virtue thinking that we can just do everything on our own. How pathetic.

I think we have a political and theological cancer in this country. Cancer isn’t an outside virus or organism. It’s the body’s cells that have mutated in such a way that they have lost the boundaries that contained them. They essentially become narcissistic and self centered. They consume without considering the consequence. They take, take, take. And if they are not cut out or treated with radiation, they will kill the body. And I imagine they would blame the body in their last breath too. We have a cancer in our politics and theology in this country. It needs to be cut away.

Many years ago I read the theory of the cycle of civilization. We think we are special in this country. That we are exempt from the cycle. We’re the US of freaking A after all. The richest, most powerful nation in history. Just like all the ones who came before us and died off. How dare I even suggest that the rules apply to us. We think we make the rules. We think we are in control. Except we aren’t. We aren’t special either. We aren’t exceptional. We are human. We are limited. The rule apply to us, even if we somehow manage to delay the payment of the bill. And boy do we have a charge that’s been adding up over the years. It’s coming due though.

We have never dealt with our past or ever really confront the problems that are right in front of us. We stubbornly refuse to see them, acting like a toddler who covers their eyes saying “I can’t see you, therefore you can’t see me.”

The good news is that after this administration ends, we will have an opportunity to decide who we are, what we actually value, and what we do. We have an opportunity to not just talk about it, but to live into it. Will we continue on the path laid out for generations before us – ignoring the wrongs that have been committed, breaking promises, excusing injustice, making nice with those who commit crimes against people, and maintaining unjust systems that benefit a handful? Or will we erase, reverse, and repair the damage that has been done, holding people who caused the damage accountable in real ways – and not just by this current administration? We have an opportunity to take a different and better path.

But I’m not going to hold my breath. Humanity has a terrible track record after all. That’s why we keep falling into the same destructive habits. But we don’t have to. We choose to, which is far worse.

This is why I don’t have faith in humanity, but rather in God. It’s why I believe in Original Sin. I just look around and see the effects of Original Sin. Original Sin is ultimately about one thing – humanity believing that it is god and that God serves humanity the way that humans dictate. We’ve been doing that since the very beginning. Which is why we end up with wars, rape, murder, violence, cruelty, lies, corruption, division, genocide, greed, and an assortment of other terrible things.

It comes down to humans addiction to control. We think we are in control. Which is absolutely absurd. We are pretty small creatures standing on a rock that is spinning at ridiculous speeds whizzing around the sun at other ridiculous speeds while the rock somehow stays in orbit. The planet hasn’t been hit by an asteroid in millions of years, which is a miracle in itself. Has any human had anything to do with any of that? No. We don’t control the oceans. We don’t control the volcanos. We don’t control the weather, in spite of the ridiculous conspiracy theories. We don’t control a whole host of things. And all of these things could end life on this planet quickly if something goes bad. And it would all be out of our control. Yet we have this mental illness of believing we are in control. And because deep down we know its ultimately a lie, and that our lives our not in our control, we project that control onto others ruthlessly.

I am angry. And I’m trying to do something with it. I just don’t know what yet.

So for now I’m praying. I pray that those who are actively working to harm others, that those who are actively destroying institutions, that those who are actively ripping families apart, that those who are scapegoating, that those who are actively being destructive and unjust will fail. I pray that they turn from their injustice, repent, and make reparation. I pray that I will be the person that I need to be in the coming days. I pray that I can be a healing presence, and that I might receive that healing. I pray that those who have been lukewarm in their faith are finally provoked to live the faith. I pray for those who suffer from the injustice this administration is inflicting – that they may be restored to wholeness. I pray because I don’t know what else to do right now. I’m angry and I know acting when I’m angry is not a good decision.